Pompous Tone

Signs: Large — and unnecessary — million-dollar words. Also, jargon and passives.Tone is the way you communicate to someone. For example, if you were to walk into a room full of screaming children, you’d probably say something like this:

Everyone sit down and be quiet this minute.

If you were to walk into a board meeting you’d more likely say something like this:

Could everyone please sit down? We’d like to start the meeting.

Tone is also one of your best public relations tools, establishing your organization’s personality. How do you create an appropriate tone, one that is friendly and professional? Pretend that the reader is standing by your desk. If this person has a professional demeanor, you’re not going to say, “Hi, how the heck are ya?” Rather, you’ll say, “It’s nice to meet you in person.” On the other hand, if this person is angry, you would calm him or her by saying, “Please tell me the problem,” rather than, “What do you want?”
How do you say it?
Your tone generally falls somewhere in this range:
Pompous : Overly formal, often contains passivity and jargon. Many businesspeople mistake the pompous tone for a professional one and use it regularly.
Professional : Relaxed, reader focused yet businesslike. Good for letters, memos, reports, proposals, and some newsletter articles.
Informal : Conversational. Good for sales and marketing materials and some letters.
Although your documents do not adhere strictly to one tone, they probably sound something like one of these:

Pompous

Dear Mr. Smith:

Enclosed please find the information that was requested in our telephone communication of May 14. As was mentioned at that time, Midville Hospital has significantly more doctors of exceptional quality than any other health facility in the state.

As you were also informed, our organization has offices located throughout the state. In the event that you need a specialist, our professionals will refer you to the most appropriate party. You are also entitled to utilize one of our numerous programs that will assist you and your family in achieving the highest level of health possible.

Please contact me in the event that you have questions or would like additional information.

Most sincerely yours,

Professional

Dear Mr. Smith,

I am sending along the information you requested on Friday. As I mentioned, Midville Hospital has more doctors than any hospital in the state.

In addition, we have a vast network of doctors and other health professionals with offices throughout Massachusetts and in parts of New Hampshire and Rhode Island. If you need a specialist, they can refer you to the right one. You and your family can also participate in numerous programs such as smoking-cessation classes, a 24-hour hotline with a registered nurse to answer your questions seven days a week, health fairs, and more.
Feel free to call anytime between 9:00 and 5:00 Monday through Friday if you would like more information.

Sincerely,

Informal

Dear Bob —

Just sending along the information we talked about Friday. As I said, Midville Hospital has more doctors than any hospital in the state. We also have an impressive network of doctors and other professionals with offices near your work or home. Need a specialist? They’ll refer you to the right one. You and your family can also get health-wise thanks to our numerous programs designed to help you quit smoking or improve your overall fitness. We even have a health hotline designed to answer your health questions all day every day.

Want to know more? Just call. I’m at the office between 9:00 and 5:00, Monday through Friday.

Take care!

Here are some words to watch for when you’re checking tone:

Three Million Readers Can’t Be Wrong

Even though you shouldn’t write in a newspaper tone, Newsweek provides the kind of writing your reader wants — its circulation is 3,158,617. Look at this leading article from Newsweek’s business section:

Guys, it’s your turn. As women are liberated from some of the meaner dictates of dress, men are losing a certain brand of fashion freedom. Sure, you may no longer have to wear a suit and tie to work. But there’s the rub. With so many offices gone “casual,” the corporate uniform is gone. You have to consider not only when to dress up or down, but a whole new vocabulary of texture, pattern and fabric.
Exceptions: There are no exceptions. The pompous tone is alienating, boring, and outdated. On the other hand, the professional and informal tones are not interchangeable. For example, if you’re sending employees a memo about internal changes, use the professional tone. Sending an information sheet? Determine which tone is best for your product or service. Sending an invitation to a fund-raising celebration? Keep it relaxed.